


UNHhhh AS3

by littleredtriskelion



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: AS3, Crack, Gen, I'm trying to get out of a writing slump, UNHhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:40:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleredtriskelion/pseuds/littleredtriskelion
Summary: The episode of UNHhhh that is aired after Trixie is announced for All Stars 3.





	UNHhhh AS3

**Author's Note:**

> I know that there's no official cast for AS3 - I just wanted an excuse to make up UNHhhh style intros, and after the buzzfeed article trying to predict the AS3 cast this is all I could think of. Also, I basically made this up with very little research, therefore I don't know if some of the stuff included is accurate, I just wrote it to try and get me out of my current writing slump.

“Can you imagine what life would be like if red bull actually gave you wings?” Katya’s question was followed by a quick slurp of the energy drink, like she was hopeful that she could make it real through sheer force of will. 

“Drag queens would become air performers,” Trixie pointed out, fidgeting with the buttons on her shirt. “I mean, do you know one drag queen that doesn’t drink that shit?”

“No.”

“Exactly. You ready?”

“Yah,” Katya takes one last slurp before setting down the can, turning her attention to the camera.

Trixie smoothed out non-existent crinkles in her skirt before looking up at the camera. “Hi. I’m the rotted, gutted, heela-monster that haunts your sex-dreams. Trixie Mattel!”

Katya looks like she’s prepared to burst into laughter for a moment, before appearing a collect herself. “And I’m the ripple in the still glass of water that lets you know you aren’t alone.” She thworped her fan before declaring her own name. “Katya!”

“And welcome to, ‘UNHhhh’,” Both queens rolled their bodies in sync before continuing their introduction.

"The show where we talk about whatever we want.”

“Because it’s our show."

“And not yours.”

The memorised segment ended, and both queens appeared to minutely relax, shuffling a little so that they were angled towards each other while still facing the camera, a position that was easier to perform their show in. “Trixie. Are you a Ru Paul’s Drag Race alumni who is getting ready for round two in much hyped new season of All Stars 3?” Katya asked with a small smirk.

“Ready for round two? Honey. _Oh honey _, I was born for round two, honey. All Stars 3, I say All Stars Me, honey,” Trixie replied, dramatically flicking the ends of her wig over her shoulder. “But, yes. Yes I am. I’m gonna go back into the workroom for…is it round two or round three, since I technically had my round two when they brought me back in our season?” Trixie asked, raising an eyebrow at Katya, who merely shrugged in response.__

“I didn’t go to college for _math _, I went for-“__

“Dick?”

Katya laughed, before simply nodding in reply. “Yes. I went to college for dick, that is exactly it,” she agreed with a bright grin. “How’re you feeling since the announcement?”

“I don’t know. I think that Buzzfeed article that predicted I was gonna be in this season might have taken away a little bit of the announcement buzz, which is probably for the better. There’s only so many trolls I can take on it once, I mean.”

“Have you met a lot of ugly trolls recently?”

“Yeah, but then we finished filming All Stars so…”

Katya burst out laughing, closed fan flailing as she utterly failed to contain her excitement.

Trixie waited until Katya had calmed down before continuing. “You know what though? I have never had a worst night sleep than the night before we started filming, like…you’d think you’d feel more prepared going back in, but I didn’t. At all.”

“Mama,” the hushed word somehow managed to convey just how much the older queen understood, despite its mere two syllables. “You wanna know why I think it’s scarier?”

“Why?”

“Expectations!” Katya emphasised the word by lightly swatting Trixie’s arm with her fan. “But not your expectations, _their expectations _,” she continued, the fan waving wildly towards the camera. “Think about it. First time you walk in, no one knows you. They don’t know what you think down is up and up is down. All Stars, they know _everything _about you! They have ideas in their head that they didn’t have the first time, that can _totally _effective your ‘narrative’ or whatever you want to call it when the show goes out.”______

“Oh my God, _yes _. That is exactly it. I mean, I went in that first time, and I did not look like this. I thought this would get me sent home week one, I mean. It’s not exactly normal drag,” Trixie pointed out, “But like, no one knew that. Most people thought I stepped up the doll thing after Drag Race. Now I can’t alter my look like that, cause everyone knows my schtick so much better than they did before. So much better.”__

“Do you think that’ll work in your favour?” Katya prompted. “Like, my season of All Stars, I feel like it helped that people knew what I was about more.”

“Thrift stores and problematic patterns, on a passable daytime woman?”

“Exactly!”

Trixie fondly rolled her eyes before continuing. “Yeah, I think it’ll work in my favour. Besides, we haven’t had a real-clown-lookalike win since Bianca Del Rio, and that was years ago. I think it’s about time.”

“Time for a clown resurgence.”

“It; The Prequal.”

“It; The Prequel!” Katya screamed, excitedly flailing again, before letting out a deep shout, settling down after a few moments. “So. What are some juicy tidbits?”

“You know I can’t tell you anything.” 

“ _C’mon _. I’m not asking you to ruin anything monumental! Just give us something!”__

“Bitch. We both know it is not too late for Ru Paul to just disqualify me no matter what happens. You think I want to be the next Willam?”

“I don’t think your beard is thick enough to be Willam.”

Trixie snorted. “I can’t grow shit on this face. I look like a homeless hillbilly when I try for facial hair. I’m going for hot hipster, and I end up looking like I just need a bath.”

“I love a bearded queen though. Although I don’t really get this whole glitter beard thing? That just seems messy. I can barely get glitter off my skin, but beards are like…natural Velcro. How are you ever gonna get that out? And what if you still have a ‘regular’ day job? You just gonna walk into work with glitter in your beard while Barbara starts shit about how she thinks your cheating on your brother at the local strip club? Keep your nose in your own divorce, mama,” Katya rambled, opening her fan with a practiced flick of her wrist, giving her point a dramatic flair.

Trixie just stared at her for a moment, before letting her attention drift back to the camera. “This is the kind of content you’re tuning in for. What are your life choices?”

“It’s either us, or more cat videos. At least we’re philosophically, psychologically, and sexually provoking. Cats are just cute. Sometimes they aren’t even that,” Katya countered.

___"I think...we should end it on that note."_ _ _

___"Main points are - #TeamTrixie for All Stars 3, and glitter beards get you one sparkly follicle closer to Barbara's nose in your business."_ _ _

___"Thank you for watching, and don't forget to subscribe to WOW Presents!"_ _ _


End file.
